a letter to running

thank you for liberating me
you let me explore
in the woods, in the suburbs, in the cities
down dead end roads 
through puddles and snowbanks
the occasional lake or river
you make me feel connected 
to my body and to the world
thank you for bringing me my team
when i'm with them
i feel safe
i feel loved
they make me laugh
but they’re okay with it if i need to cry
they make me proud.
i'm so, so proud of all of them
thank you for bringing me my coach
he cares about how i'm running
and also about how i'm feeling
about my goals, hopes, dreams
he can talk me off the ledge before a race
and remind me that i'm strong
he knows what’s best
and i trust him
thank you for bringing me my strength
for the muscles in my legs
and the steady beat in my heart
for the ability to hit that next gear in the last hundred
and keep going when i think i can’t
it’s because of you i can walk in a room
and be okay with how i look.
it’s all because of you
thank you for the stress
and the unsatisfied feelings
for turning fall saturday mornings into a flurry of panic 
and spring afternoons into a steady thud of nerves
for pointing out my flaws and my weaknesses
and leaving me drained and
hopeless.
for making me micromanage how i sleep
how i eat 
how i live
how i exist

for making me think i can't do enough
that i will 
never
ever
get to where i need to be.



sometimes, you suck
sometimes, you are too much work
too much pain
too much worry and overwhelming feelings and obsession 
it seems unsustainable
unstable
sometimes i can't handle what you make me do

but then i remember
i remember how you bring me confidence
how you make me feel like i can conquer anything
how you teach me to work hard
and power through
and that dedication does pay off
how you give me something to talk about
something to be passionate about
something to love
how you’ve introduced me to the people that matter most
how you tell me that despite my flaws, 
i am enough
i am capable
i am strong

don't let me forget it

sincerely, 
a runner