Quitting was the easiest and hardest decision of my life.

Pretty much every winter since I began running, I have struggled to find my motivation. As someone who devotedly hates the cold, winter running always felt like more of a chore and a burden. While my friends would laugh and jump in the snow on our runs, I was complaining about how cold my hands were despite the two pairs of gloves and, on occasion, hand warmers. I longed for the warmth of spring.

Still, I pushed through the cold, knowing it was only going to make me better. My teammates kept me going. While I hated the cold, I always loved running with them. This winter was different.

When I began to lack my motivation while home for Christmas break, I kept telling myself I just had to push through until I could run with my team again. When January rolled around and we were reunited, I was happy to be with them. Yet, my motivation failed to improve. I dreaded going to practice. I would look at the mileage for the day and be filled with anxiety. I found myself barely doing half my mileage Coach assigned. 

Then the guilt set in. I knew I was letting my teammates down. I knew I was letting my future self down. But still, it wasn't enough for me to want to run. I was nervous someone would find out my secret. What would they all say and think if they knew? We talked about doing the little things right, something I always made sure to follow. Doing the little things right means very little when you aren't even doing the big thing. 

My mental health was slowly declining. I knew something had to change but I couldn't imagine quitting the sport I had done most of my life. I didn't know what to do. I finally got the courage to talk to my coach, a man who always had the right advice, exactly when you needed it. 

The day I walked into his office, I didn't know where the conversation was going to go. I had a pit in my stomach, the guilt and fear eating me alive.

I sat down on the couch and he looked me in the eyes and asked me what was wrong. I took a deep breathe and let it all out. I told him I had no motivation, I hated running, my mentality toward it was all wrong, it felt like a chore, I felt like so much of my time was going toward it when it could be going to other things. When I finished talking, he sat in his chair and looked at me. For a few seconds he didn't say anything. Then he said seven words that made it feel as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

"Why don't you take the spring off?"

He told me I was released from my obligation. I could be as involved as I wanted. I was still a part of the team, but I didn't have the mental pressure. He told me I could come back in the fall for cross country, that I always have a spot on that team.

I walked out of his office thinking I had just made the hardest and easiest decision ever. As time has gone on and it's been a little over a month, I've had a lot of time to think. Running has been who I am for ten years of my life. I've had a lot of failures and a lot of successes. I've had bad days and I've had great days. I've loved running and I've hated running. The one thing that keeps going through my mind is how final it all seems. I think I'm done running forever. That saddens me but at the same time I feel so free. I feel lighter and happier than I have in years. My body doesn't feel like it's going to fall apart every single day. 

Maybe I'll go back to running. I haven't made that decision yet. I'm giving myself the time to decide. Maybe something will change and I'll find my motivation again. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll never lace up my running shoes again. I don't really know yet. 

This isn't meant to bum people out or to convince someone to quit or anything like that. This is meant to say that running is a gift and there should be joy in it. The moment it becomes a burden is the moment that becomes lost. Running was my burden for so long. I found no joy in it. Only pain and guilt for not doing it.

To any runner feeling like that, I want to tell you not to feel guilty for it seeming like a burden. I encourage you to take a step back and evaluate. Maybe you'll be like me and find you need a break. Maybe you'll find encouragement in your teammates. Maybe you'll realize that you love running. One thing that is certain, don't let running become such a burden on your life that you resent it and your mental health suffers. Running is amazing, but, honestly, it's not worth being unhappy. It's hard to make that decision, but trust me, it is also so so so easy. Do what makes you happy and doesn't drain your energy and life.

- Lexi Echelberry (@echelberry17)