Finding Resilience
Before the race at regionals my senior year, I had put so much pressure on myself, and felt so much pressure from my coaches, and family to accomplish my goal of qualifying for state for the fourth time. I let it get to my head. I thought using the nerves would benefit me in the race, but they only pulled me down.
When I began the race, I felt amazing. I purposely paced my first mile slower because I knew it was still going to be fast, and I didn’t want to lose all of my energy. But even slowing down, cost me a lot of the race because I couldn’t seem to catch up, and the girls weren’t slowing down. I was not strong enough to run against the 30+ mph wind that morning and it was the worst feeling in the world. It was something that I couldn’t control and just had to think that everyone is dealing with the same wind, I just have to have a different attitude about it.
Little did I know, that I would soon consider this day to be one of the worst days of my life.
During the last mile, I was in 11th place. Top 10 individuals go to state. I was struggling and was just trying to keep going and hope for a miracle. I remember looking at the “believe” I had wrote on my arm in red sharpie prior to the race, the sun came out, and I rounded the corner, and the girl in 10th was on the ground. She was drug off the course, putting me in 10th place. I couldn’t believe it. People yelled at me to go faster because I was in 10th. I remember being so excited, but I still had about 800 meters to go. Two girls were on my back and I was just trying to widen the gap. But the girl in 11th ran right beside me, waiting for me to make the move. I tried faking her out hoping that she would start her final sprint first and die, but she was able to win the fight. I finally let her have it, and was just hoping they would take an extra qualifier. As I had about 200 meters against the wind, another girl passed me. At that point, I was done. I officially had given up and was okay with not going to state. I just hoped for a miracle that they would take 2 extra qualifiers.
After they had configured the results, my coach came up to me and told me that I wasn’t going to state. I remember running away because I needed to cry and running was the only thing that helped. I was heartbroken, but I knew it was my fault. I guess I just didn’t understand why it happened to me. I was supposed to make top ten, easy. Every coach had predicted that I would make it , and I had beaten 9/10 of the girls who had made it in the meets before. But I let it get to my head before AND during the race.
You see, the week following regionals was a hard time for me. I didn’t understand why it had happened to me, someone who ran everyday and was preparing for THIS race and goal since freshman year. Someone who woke up every summer morning at the crack of dawn, and ran 6-7 miles a day. Someone who even went to a personal trainer to become stronger. I put so much in, only to get nothing. The mentality I obtained over the summer was crushed, along with my dreams. How could I have ran all those miles (over 700) to just give up? I should’ve been the last person to give up because I had put so much in. I just didn’t understand. I had even trained to tolerate the pain and was programmed to push during even the most intense pain. How could I have given up in those last two hundred meters? I let myself down and was the most disappointed in myself than I had ever been before.
Nothing but failure ran through my mind. So many people predicted that I would go to state. But you know who had the most doubts to begin with? Me. I wish I could have gone into the race with a better mentality, but I can't. I can't change the outcome of the race, only come to terms with what had happened and accept that sometimes it's just the way life works. It's always going to be hard, that the one thing I loved, became the one thing I hated.
They say bad races don't define you, but I let it define my career. I let that ONE race define the other 34 races I had run during my Cross Country career. All of those wins and PR's became nothing and unimportant.
After this day, I became fearful of failure, so much that I did not want to do track. I was scared to put everything in, only to fail during my races. The starting line, a place that used to be my favorite, scared me. At the beginning of cross country, I brought a new mentality with me, and was physically and mentally the strongest I had ever been; and now, I had none. It crushed me. It was the worst arraignment of feelings I had ever felt. I could say I was truly hurt from this race. I let my career boil down to the race at regionals. In the end, it came down to who wanted it more, and my opponents won the battle. I gave up during my race and didn't trust my training, and that's solely my fault. There's no one to blame for that day, except me.
It took me a long time to realize that your failures do not define you. Bad races don’t define you. They simply make you hungry for success and want to work harder. Now is the bounce back.
- Mackenzie Tabares ( @kenzie_tabares )
