Racing to recreation

I have been a runner all my life. Ever since I can remember, something about the openness of a road or golf course has enticed me. I started cross country in seventh grade. I was so excited to finally begin racing against others. I trained my little preteen heart out, and it did the trick. 

After only 3 JH races, my coach moved me up to JV. The extra kilometer was a challenge that I thought I was ready to take on. Unfortunately, I couldn't have been more incorrect. Not only was the distance uncomfortable, the pace increased and was stiff, unforgiving and unyielding. I finished my year downtrodden and upset with my inability to perform at the level I wished to. 

I came back eighth grade year, but something was missing. I didn't have the same fire and passion I did. Through a subpar year of cross and a few other developing situations at home, I found myself losing my will not only to run, but to do anything else at all. The summer preceding my freshman year, it all changed. 

I reluctantly began my offseason training. Once the tension and unfamiliarity of running fell away, I felt something that I hadn't felt in the 16 months prior. I felt uncontainable. I felt unreachable. I felt unburdened. I felt free. I was free from the fear and doubt that eclipsed my daily thoughts. This simple 3 mile jog placed a mantra in me: Running is where you can separate your feelings from your feelings. Release the mental and focus on the physical. 

I clung to this mantra like a lifeline because, simply, it was. It was my therapy. It reignited my desire to run, and elevated it to a whole new level. I began chasing milestone after milestone, determined to come back strong. And strong I was. 

Exceeding expectations again, I was granted the opportunity to run with the varsity squad as a freshman. I knew the change would be drastic, but this time I was prepared. All of my training paid off with a performance my coaches were satisifed with. 

These races continued through my junior year; races that not only I took pride in, but the team and coaches as well. I had a fantastic junior year, PR'ing at 18:16. I ended the season excited for the offseason and anticipating the next season's start. One thing happened that I could never have foreseen. I started dating someone. 

Now, don't get me wrong, relationships are great. Mine was too. Once I opened up to her, I realized through her genuine care and concern for me that I wasn't alone in my fight with my mind. In many ways, she helped me to conquer the single largest hurdle I've yet to face. 

Through her doing so, I realized I no longer had need for that mantra I'd cemented in my head three years ago. I began to distance myself from running because those feelings were no longer motivators. Running no longer produced that inexpressible feeling of freedom from myself. 

I lost my edge senior year, never dipping below 19:00. Angry, upset and disappointed are words that barely scratch the surface of how I felt with myself senior year. I realize now that I let running fall away because I convinced myself that I had no reason to view it any other way. 

I wish I'd had the strength to find another source of inspiration. Whatever the reason is you run now, don't believe that's the only reason. That thinking reduced my yearning to run into an occasional "It's a nice day, I think I'll run today."

Don't let your passion turn into nothing more than a hobby.

- Anonymous